Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
You Might Also Like
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
History Channel: “Travel back to a time before human civilization..”
You mean like NOW?
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
Don’t explain my jokes to me. I don’t want to know what I mean.
JON BON JOVI: Keep the faith
ME: Um, we’re gonna need to do more than that to beat this virus
JON: Bad medicine is what I need
ME: Can someone take Jon home please
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Bed salesman: I know it’s a lot of money but you spend 35% of your life on it.
Me: 35%?!?… amateur
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
My wife carved ‘I’M FINE’ into a pumpkin especially for me
So she’s obviously cool with me watching football all day and breathing an stuff
Stop being racist to kettles.
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
[mall]
Wife: Wait here.
Me: Okay.
Wife: Hold my purse.
Me: Yes, ma’am.*looks in purse*
*waves at testicles*
Me: *sigh* I miss you guys!
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
*concert*
Fleetwood Mac: thunder only happens when it’s rainingNeil Degrasse Tyson, at normal speaking volume from the back: no
If there’s one thing children have taught me it’s how to count down from 5 while pretending there’s a huge consequence if I ever reach zero.
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
me: before you hire me, you should know i take things
interviewer: like what?
me: time and care
interviewer: oh haha
me: also xanax, company money, and two-hour morning shits
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
Woman at drive-thru just called me “honey.” Headed home to tell my wife to take a god damn hike.
Don’t forget drink water and get some sunlight because you’re basically a house plant with more complicated emotions
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
If video games were truly to blame for violent acts drive by turtle flinging would be at an all time high.
Appendi
Appendii
Appendiii
Appendiv
Appendv
Appendvi
Appendvii
Appendviii
Appendix
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin