Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
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Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
In no functioning society should the sentence “Someone stole my ape cartoon” be followed by “now my life savings are gone”
TRAINER: you know what they say
ME: no pain! lo mein!
TRAINER: it’s “no gain”
ME: (eating Chinese food) i like this better
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
[After winning an award]
Host: Is there anyone you would like to thank?Me *smiles at my wife and kids in the crowd as I lean into the mic* no
Me: Who drank all my beer?
Wife: Who do you think? I’m pregnant and both kids are under the age of four.
Me: So is that a confession?
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
DR DOG: It says you’re here for a blood test. First, some questions. Number one: over the last six months who’s been a good boy?
Not saying I’m lazy, but if we had a motion detector alarm in our house it wouldn’t have gone off all day yesterday, even though I was home.
Each year more people die in bathtub accidents than plane accidents, but any idiot thinking they can fly a bathtub deserves what they get.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
How loud can you talk?
-Alcohol
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
[Millennial Antiques Roadshow]
Appraiser: The beige color & stretched coils indicate this was the cord to a…landline phone.
*crowd gasps
Ghost sightings are stupid. same with ufos and bigfoot. try spotting something people will actually believe. run into your buddy at the store
Stop sexualizing Facebook going down, those are people’s grandparents
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?