Draw me like one of your French Fries.
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Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
They say the longer you’re married, the more you and your spouse start to look alike. My wife and I can open each other’s iPhones using face ID.
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
“You know that’s not even a word, right?” I said, condescendingatively
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
*licks finger, holds it up in the air*
ah yes, just as i suspected. wind.
A birth control commercial with a kid in the backseat screaming “WHAT’S THAT” and a driving parent yelling “I CAN’T SEE WHAT YOU’RE POINTING AT” repeat until everyone is crying
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
The best place to get pumpkins cheap is driving around the neighborhood at 4AM. Got 5 nice ones this morning.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
God I hate these crossword puzzles
Does anyone know a 3 letter word for “Father”?
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
Her: Ugh. Don’t look at me. I’ve put on a little baby weight.
Me: DEAR GOD!! WHY ARE YOU EATING SO MANY BABIES!?
I almost cut my finger off cutting some celery to eat and all I could think is this never happens with cupcakes.
cop: COME OUT WITH UR HANDS UP
me: NEVER
cop: THIS IS UR LAST CHANCE
me: YOU’LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE
cop:
me:
cop: WE HAVE PUPPIES OUT HERE
me: FOR REAL THIS TIME?
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.
Parenting tip: Unplug the microwave before dropping acid because you’ll inevitably put the baby in there for safe keeping.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Her: is it in yet
Me: *fumbling with phone charger behind bed* don’t rush me
[watching This Is Us]
*leaning over to partner*
Me: That is them.
“Are you ready to rock?”
Scissors: no
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler