My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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imo funniest unshakeable ex-catholic instincts are call-and-responses like ANY time i hear “may the force be with you” i think “and also with you. lift up your hearts. we lift them up to the lord. let us g
If I were a waitress, I’d be planting fake engagement rings in every girl’s food, just to see their boyfriends panic.
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Me: “I mean, how can Harry Potter be the best Quidditch Seeker when he’s the only one with glasses?”
Librarian: “Just pay your fine, Ma’am.”
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
You travel 3500 miles to the breathtaking 15th-century mountaintop Inca citadel, Machu Picchu. The gift shop is not great.
Is it just me, or do toasters have like 4 settings too many? They should have 1 setting that reads: “Toast”
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
QUIZ SHOW HOST: So, Trevor, what would you do if you won the £100,000 jackpot?
CONTESTANT: Well, my brother lives in Australia, I haven’t seen him for 15 years after we drifted apart, so I think I’d send him a picture of me with the money.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
🎉Made my last car payment 🎉
I still owe a lot but I’m just not paying anymore
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
[Restaurant]
Waiter: Compliments of the chef.
*He opens silver platter and post-it notes with the words ‘You’re beautiful’ pour out*
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
Stop screaming. Lots of people rub their eyes with toes.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
I need to stop asking ppl who wants to do an activity with me on my close friends story because 12 people said they wanted to go to this museum and now I have to make 11 people mad
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
I’m very sorry for your loss, but do you know if this funeral home has wi-fi?
therapist: so what would you like to talk about this session?
me: lois lane must have been like the shittiest reporter