Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
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its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Loving thy neighbour was easier before leaf blowers.
I convinced my daughter (5) that the Roomba is her pet robot, so now she cleans him and feeds him. This is my greatest accomplishment as a parent. It can only go down from here.
My sister sent me a pic of her wedding dress and said it looked better on to which I asked on what, fire?
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
rich people: i want to help
everyone: donate your money
rich people: if only there was something i could do
everyone: donate your money
rich people: some sort of gesture
everyone: donate. your. money.
rich people: here’s the lyrics to “same love” superimposed over a sunset!
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
One time, when the kids were teenagers,
we tried to ditch them on a family holiday.It didn’t work, unfortunately.
They found us.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Throwing pregnancy tests into the shopping carts of random couples at Walmart is the only silver lining in my day.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
Don’t you hate it when you forget proper terms for objects so you end up calling a “watering can” a “that waterthingie for thirsty plants, yanno it’s like a portable water holder”.
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
here’s a life hack for you dieters out there. if you bury food in the ground and then dig it up, that food is a vegetable now.
Some dude built his wife the Taj Mahal and I can’t get a DM from a guy that doesn’t have his wife in his profile picture
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
Schröedinger: And so it is impossible to determine whether the cat is alive or dead
Possum: *yelling from the back of the room* AMATEUR
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
Eat…
That’s as old as the hills
hills: (offended) Hey