*draws a line in the sand*
*looks at the line in the sand*
*decides that it might be time to vacuum*
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Batman’s an example of a guy who took his parents double homicide and made lemonade
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
The winner of the smallest pet amphibian contest was so tiny it was my newt.
Disease doesn’t care if you are a celebrity, Micheal J. Fox has battled Parkinson for 22 years, and Jamie Lee Curtis is super irregular!
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
me: ugh i hate subway. worst fast food chain by far
alien I befriended: on my planet there is no word for “hate”
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
The Secret Service has gone bankrupt. Finally something has happened that Donald Trump has knowledge in handling.
Revenge is never the answer, but sometimes drawing wrinkles on their voodoo doll just feels right
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
Daughter keeps licking water off the shower floor, but she’s our second kid, so we let that stuff slide.
zoologist 1: whale
zoologist 2: we used that name already
zoologist 1: shark
zoologist 2: we used that name too
zoologist 1: whale-shark
zoologist 2: hot dog you’ve done it again sir
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
three things we don’t talk about
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
“Sugar we’re going down swinging” used to be a cool song. Now it’s what happens when I bend over, braless, to pick up a floor doughnut.
When they say shirts versus skins, they mean your own skin, not someone’s skin you brought from home.