ME: [blowing on ouchie] That’s better
SURGEON: How did you get in here
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“Hey, boo”
– a casual ghost
Sorry pregnant ladies, all of your 3D ultrasounds look like Gollum in an Ikea lampshade.
[to son before going in house] remember its opposite day
wife: how was go karting?
son: dad didnt take off his helmet and throw it at anyone
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
Too bad my 20 year high school reunion was cancelled. My plus 1 was going to be the extra person I gained in weight since high school. Darn
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
Employee: You know what’s neat?
Me: Whiskey in a glass without ice?
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Life is like a bear, play dead and it will leave you alone.
Where there’s a will there’s a way. You just have to be nice to your rich aunt
*gives Twitter a coloring book & some crayons so it will stop asking me questions*
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?
Time traveller: I’m from the future
Me: prove it
*he pulls out next weeks newspaper*
Me: nice try, they’ve already invented newspapers
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
women showering in movie: slowly rubbing her soapy thighs.
women showering in real life: firing snot outta our noses like angry dragons.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
“I’m not that kind of girl.”
~That kind of girl
Sometimes I get bored and tell people I’ve never had pizza before.
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”