I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
YO TWITTER PLEASE PLEASE HELP ME OUT. THIS IS MY DREAM AND WOULD BE BEYOND BLESSED IF YALL CAN HELP A DUDE OUT. RETWEET!!!
If there’s cake in the fridge, the fridge becomes a medicine cabinet.
I don’t make the rules.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
Thank you for ordering this $2 necklace from Etsy. With shipping your total comes to $758,937. Item will arrive from Uzbekistan in 3 years
you can be anything when you grow up. For instance i am very tired
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
It was to keep our furry overlords content😉
“I can’t believe I own a Tesla!” I’m so sorry, is there anything I can do to help?
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
What do we want?
“A CURE FOR PASSIVE AGGRESSION”When do we want it?
“Whatever, you decide. You’re the smart one.”
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
Got thrown out of Joann Fabrics for asking for wife material.
Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
Me: *turns on faucet*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*
Me: *turns on the garbage disposal*
Husband: *starts talking*
Me: *turns it off* What?
Husband: *says nothing*Repeat forever.
Welcome to your 40’s. Squinting’s not helping anymore. Now you have to take pics of the products you want to buy, then enlarge them to read their composition.
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Years ago, the woman who would one day be my wife asked me to be her date to a friend’s wedding. On the ride home, she asked me for my thoughts about the ceremony. I said it was actually really nice. She then looked at me lovingly & said, “don’t get any ideas.”
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*