If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
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Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
*after sex, in a British accent
“Please sir, may I have some more?”
Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Millennials urban dictionary everything… I come from a time when the thesaurus roamed the earth.
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
My hot pink mouth is wide open for you, sugar.
Donut: ….
Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Not recommended for beginners.
Going to ask HR if our insurance covers back braces because I’m carrying this whole damn team
And they lived apathetically ever after.
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
They say Life never gives you more than you can handle.
Life seems to have me confused with twelve jugglers.
Good morning to everyone except idiots who see you eating your fries and still ask “are you going to finish these?”
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Genesis is my favorite rock group who’ve been around long enough to write a chapter in the bible.
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that