@envydatropic: *Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
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@djdarrellripley: Him: Hello, I'm Special Agent Johnson. Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
@NewDadNotes: Wife: how do we explain Halloween to our kids? Me: they wear a costume and ask strangers for candy. Wife: but we told them to NEVER accept candy from strangers. Me: tell them one day a year it’s ok. it’s like the Purge but for Children.
@AbrasiveGhost: ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where's the nuke button ADVISOR: why ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
@zacharyflynn: Hey babe i wanted to marry you but i had to ask your dad first and he said yes so i guess i'm marrying your dad