*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
You Might Also Like
Ugh, suicidal cannibals are always so full of themselves
Cop: Are you high?
Me *riding an ostrich* holy shit I hope so
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
me: [wheezing, checks fitbit]
fitbit: you’re lying on the floor eating a burrito, wtf do u want from me
someone reached out to my manager not too long ago, asking to confirm a rumor that jason momoa and i were dating. my manager said “absolutely not” hahahha i was like damn! at least meet me half way and just say we did “over the clothes stuff”
WIFE: This summer I’m banning you from wearing those shorts with pockets.
ME: *barely audible* embargo pants
HER: Get out
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
I couldn’t work at Popeyes… I’ll be walking around my whole shift with drumsticks and thighs poking out of my pockets…
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
He also looks really rough for a 4 year old
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
6 more days, guys.. That’s December 26. The day everybody puts their shitty Xmas gifts on Ebay so poor people, like me, can buy them!
My son LOVES dogs and is TERRIFIED of them. Which is EXACTLY how I feel about my WIFE.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
I bought a off brand Roomba for black Friday and im already having a Detroit: Become human experience with it.
“stop dont go there”
off brand roomba: “goes there (faster)”
Just found out that “April fools” is not a valid defense in a court of law
If it wasn’t for my mil gifting me tons of bath & body works lotion I wouldn’t be able to survive the zombie apocalypse
Zombie 1: smells like peach blossom wine party
Zombie 2: no brains here
(gathered around the campfire, 1876)
Me: This meeting could have been a homing pigeon
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Whenever I read that a suspect is cooperating with investigators I picture them being helpful in the interrogation room. Tidying up. Providing light conversation.
ME: The plane has wifi? Sweet, I’m going to Skype call that radio psychic.
RADIO PSYCHIC: Go ahead caller, you’re on the air
ME: HOLY SHIT
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.