@envydatropic: *Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
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@audipenny: [speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby] Man what am I going to do with all these hens
@ericsshadow: [on a date] Play it cool don't let her know you're a refrigerator [her ex-boyfriend turns off the electricity] "This isn't cool man."
@Shanehasabeard: Did you know a hummingbird has to consume half its body weight in sugar every day and that I don't have to do that but I still also do that?
@1Happytwit: I don't know why they invite me to an Easter egg hunt, then freak out when I turn up in camo gear with my rifle.