*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
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A North Carolina school has removed its bathroom mirrors to stop kids from making TikToks. Ooh, you were so close, they actually do them with their phones.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
*presses shuffle on 900 song playlist
Spotify: IMMA ONLY JUST PLAY THESE 12 EVER
Wife: Hey can you-
Me: Shhh. I’m in another stupid useless frigging Zoom meeting.
Boss: Okay just a reminder to put yourselves on mute.
*five little monkeys jumping on the bed*
mama: stop that!
monkeys: why hahaha
mama: *quietly* there used to be six of you
Stormtrooper 1: You ever think that maybe we’re with the bad guys?
Stormtrooper 2: Nah, lets just head back to the Death St… to the ship.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
Do people who eat super-crunchy peanut butter know about peanuts?
My son asked for help with his math homework as we pulled into the school parking lot.
Then I laughed & laughed & told him to get out.
My mom put shredded carrots in our Jello, so don’t tell me about your rough childhood.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Before getting in my face, please be aware that I completed two tours in Vietnam. One was on a Segway in downtown Hanoi, the other took us through a delightful little bakery in Ho Chi Minh.
[5 min into first date]
Her: I have a pug named Piglet-
Me: [motioning waiter for check] I’d like to go meet him rn
I’ve started dating myself exclusively but it’s not working out
7 has started saying “your life just got better,” whenever he enters the room; humility is not this kid’s strong-suit.
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
[MOM GROUP CHATS]
Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍
I set my alarm extra early so I have enough time to lay in bed & be angry about having to wake up
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Dr: I need a urine and stool sample.
Me: *hands him my underwear*
Dr:……
Me: Its all there.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
I’m jealous of how many friends the people on Intervention have.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
*Pulls up to drive-thru window*
“Extra toilet paper please”
Do you mean napkins?
“Sure, whatever”
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.