*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
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this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Girl you got more red flags than a well played game of minesweeper
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Did you know that Mark Zuckerberg and the guy who played the blue Power Ranger are cousins? Just not to each other. But they are cousins.
My pics are real.
I don’t use any filters.
I don’t even use coffee filters.
I eat coffee straight outta the container like a man
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
An air mattress is great when you want to sleep on the floor but not right away.
“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.
Honk if you love Jesus. Text while driving if you’d like to meet Him.
HUSBAND: Do we have any cake toppers?
ME: Yes, it’s called frosting.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
But the snozzberries taste like snozzberries.
People Magazine sounds like something aliens pretending to be humans would call their magazine.