“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
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me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: Is anyone here a doctor?
ME: *opening WebMD* Hold on, hold on.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
Saw my Elf on the Shelf walking out of the D.A.’s office and now I have to lawyer up.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
Me: do you like my new hairstyle?
17: oh – did you do that on purpose?
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
Once, when I was drunk, I threw a fan out of my bedroom window because it wouldn’t turn on.
Guess I should of plugged it in first to see why.
Next time someone comes over to hold my newborn I’m going to ask them to unload the dishwasher and put the laundry away first
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
It’s so hot farmers are harvesting tomato soup.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
Taken 5: has anyone seen my doggie?
Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
Some coworkers sign emails with “cheers” or “sincerely” followed by their names but I typically use “you’ve made a powerful enemy today.”
me: *proudly showing off photos on my phone* this was just last week, they’re getting so big these days
old acquaintance: these are all pictures of cheeseburgers
me: yeah, so?
old acquaintance: i asked if you ever had kids
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
My son, frantically calling and texting, as if life depended upon it.
He’s brokered world peace?
Severed a limb?
Celebrating an international business deal?
No.
How does one make tacos.
TACOS.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Just a reminder that your coworkers aren’t going to get eaten by bears on their own. You have to make that happen. You have to want it.
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying