My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
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All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
I just had a guy explain maps to me. He handed me a map and said, “This is a map. You use it to locate things.”
I didn’t know what to say so I replied, “These are my shoes. I am going to use them to walk away now.”
Some days I feel like my life is going super well, & then I get my hair caught in my umbrella.
And also my car door.
what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
this morning at 7-eleven i saw a lizard next to the coffee maker and the cashier said “no worries that’s just marvin, he likes the smell”
ME: Why are my eyes itchy?
WebMD: Eye bees
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
My 7 yr. old thought it would be really funny to hold up a sign in the back window of the car that said “HELP ME!”. It was not.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
me: *holding bowling ball*
friend: going bowling?
me: nope— playing enormous marbles
what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
dating coach: don’t immediately compliment a girl‘s looks that’s creepy
me: ok got it
[later]
her: hi i’m carol
me: u look like shit
a 9-5 is two hours of work and 6 hours of anxiously trying to justify my existence to my employer
Barbie didn’t give me a poor body image; Barbie taught me you can’t reattach a head once it’s been removed from the body.
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
“It’s MY WIIIIFE, it’s now or never” – Borat Jovi
I’m not even remotely sorry
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
Really, Beyonce? You’re a multi-millionaire, and you expect people to believe you use £4.99 Loreal makeup?
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Good thing “you only live once” has really caught on otherwise we might all kill ourselves like it’s no big deal
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.