Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
COP: Are you drunk?
ME: um if I was drunk, could I do this?
*walks in a perfectly straight line*
COP: What the hell he just walked off a cliff
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
“You have $400. Your boyfriend texts and says he needs $200 and your ex texts and says he needs $100. How much you have left?”
Me: $400 and 2 unread messages
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
The Wizard of Oz (1939): A Kansas runaway discovers the psychedelic powers of blunt-force head trauma.
it be like that
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
Can you people that don’t use your own picture for an avi stop flirting for crying out loud a lighthouse hit on me this morning!
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
Sure, there’s no “I” in “team”…
But there’s, like, three in “idiot.”
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
Parents today:
Text me when you get there, text me the names of the kids who are there, text me when you’re coming home.Parents in the 80s:
Bye.
Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?
Friend: Yeah?
Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
Wife:
I’m
*pause*
leaving
*pause*
you.Me: Is it because I’m always on this trampoline?
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.