@theevilwriter: Dreamed I won the lottery last night - $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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@BringDaNoyz: "What kind of dog do you have?" "Half Boxer, 1/4 Poodle, 1/8 Tibetan Mastiff, 1/8 Catahoula Leopard Dog" "And what kind of cat?" "Orange"
@EnvysDeadNana: I'm not above apologizing for my drunken behavior I'm just sick of repeating myself
@AristotlesNZ: In retrospect, when the cop pulled me over & asked "where's the fire", stroking a lighter & whispering "haven't decided yet" was a mistake.
@Brianhopecomedy: My wife: "What are you doing?" "Having an argument on Twitter" "With a man or woman?" "A lamp."