@theevilwriter: Dreamed I won the lottery last night - $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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@AbbieEvansXO: Murderer: [points a gun at me] Me: Please, I have no spouse or kids, my life is awesome
@theshamingofjay: You can tell a lot about a person based on how long it takes them to find the gun emoji.
@flashember: The microwave was invented in 1946 when an enraged toddler demanded his food be locked in a revolving prison and destroyed by lasers.