Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
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Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
if this is wile e. coyote again I’m gonna be so mad
Awww, how nice for wittle Jeb #JokeoftheDay #Conan
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
My toddler just called the cheese he’s eating “medicine for my belly”.
Even kids understand the healing powers of cheese.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Hi, childless people. I just meticulously peeled the skin off a pickle. Cuz the pickle was “bumpy.”
Enjoy your day. Not de-bumping pickles.
I only look good from one angle and if someone could please tell me what that angle is I’d be grateful
I know a bad idea when I see one.
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
if you’ve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, i’d highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
My favorite Facebook tradition is when women wish another woman happy birthday by posting a picture together from their wedding. Like happy birthday but this is still all about me.
COME ON KRUSE #fencing
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
Also me:
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Can’t believe you got your kid’s name tattooed on you, like what if you break up?
[first date]
her: so, tell me about yourself!
me: well, im not good with dates
her: but you’re doing fine!
me: christmas is on september 3rd
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
I’m all for legalizing pot, but for fucks sake oral sex is still illegal in 18 states. Let’s prioritize, people!