in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
meeting the person who is training you at a new job is exactly like when a baby duck imprints on its mother. following them around clueless as shit. someone else will be like hey can you send this email and it’s like no i’m not sure i can. i’ve never done that without jeremy
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
If you guys need me I’ll be strutting confidently through a parking lot toward a car that turns out not to be mine.
I’m not stalking you. I’m trying to help you find that sock that you dropped behind the door before you left for work Wednesday at 7:04.
All I’m saying is, China could have a much better relationship with the West if they shared their dragons with us but whatever be that way.
Leia: I love you.
Han: I know.
[gets frozen in carbonite]
[two years pass]
[gets unfrozen]
Leia: WHAT THE HELL DO YOU MEAN “I KNOW?!”
I just got a text from an ex telling me he wanted to “reach out.” This isn’t a work email buddy.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep
ME: [bumps man]
MAN: [spills coffee] Say sorry
ME: No
MAN: Then I’ll see you in court
ME: [remembers I own a camouflage suit] You won’t
🤣🤣🤣
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[“Platonic” male friend rams car through my bedroom wall]
I heard you broke up with your girl. You ok? Ready to give men a try now?????????
I’m smarter than I look. I was gonna say -more intelligenter- but wasn’t sure how to spell it so…
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho
I like to relax by sampling different types of cheese while people watching.
Walmart clerk: ma’am, put down the block of cheese and get out of the display
buyer: does this van have child locks
me: *sweating* no no i vacuumed it
My cardio is tripping on the sidewalk and pretending to jog for 5 feet.