I wish I was dinosaur. No school, no work, just ror ror.
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If PRETTY WOMAN starred WILLEM DAFOE.
Jesus H. Christ.
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom
Ted Danson but only if Ted Drinken
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
*grabs your ankle from a storm sewer* if your barbie doll needs a hula hoop use an onion ring
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
eating all the chips in my house so that I won’t be tempted to eat all the chips
The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
Wife: I swear, I’m gonna kill my boss
Me: please don’t; it’ll get better
Wife: aww, thanks for the suppo-
Me: *interupting* no way you’re making me a single dad of 2 while you just chill in prison
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
“911, how may I help you?”
“Quickly, pretend like you’re my girlfriend”
“Sir, this is for emergen–”
“AAAAW I LOVE YOU TOO HONEY‘!”
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Cats don’t understand movie/TV production, so they must just think some WILD shit happens outside of one window in our house.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
If Twitter is a rave then Facebook is a Tupperware party.
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
*takes the high road*
*gets altitude sickness*
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
It isn’t a coincidence almost all movies about camping are horror.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
why is it called godzilla vs kong instead of when hairy met scaly
Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Clicking my heels together three times and saying “there’s no place like mozzarella sticks”