Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
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Twilight is the literary World War I: you thought this was as bad as it could get, but then WWII/Fifty Shades happened.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
It’s very important, every few days, to take a break from social media walk outside and throw up on people in person.
Saw a cloud stuck in a tree so I climbed it and tried to shake it loose but now I’m stuck in a cloud please help
Two reasons I don’t trust people:
1. I don’t know them.
2. I know them.
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
Friend: You should keep some club soda handy for your wine stains.
Me: Did you just passive aggressively call me a sloppy drunk?
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
If I were Spock, I would spend 24 hours a day saying things like “get out of my Vulcan face” and “are you Vulcan kidding me?”
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
Doctor: How your diet?
Me: My what now?
“Look, when I signed up for the Marines I had no idea they might order me to do things I don’t feel like doing.”
just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
“The truth has finally been revealed” around the world:
5. The cat is out of the bag (English)
4. The bunny is out of the hat (Czech)
3. The pigeon falls out of your mouth (Romanian)
2. The turtle’s feet have appeared (Taiwanese)
1. Now the monkey comes out of the sleeve (Dutch)
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
I know I hate you but if you died suddenly … I mean I’d still hate you but I’d be a little more cheery.
DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
“Actually, you couldn’t get a dinosaur to do that, and a sundial wristwatch would be extremely impractical.” – me in the Flintstones writers room about to get fired.
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
I like my women like I like my bamboo: graceful, strong, and constantly in threat of being eaten by pandas.
Interviewer: *glancing from my resume to my wheelchair*
“It says here you ran a marathon?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have excellent organizational skills.”