dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
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my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
i will avenge u mr van gogh
The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
I came across an account that only tweeted about fedoras, so I reported him for hat speech.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Just saw a cyclist put his hand out to indicate he was turning left when a lone pedestrian high fived him. I feel so good right now.
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
ACQUAINTANCE: So funny seeing you in the grocery store
ME: Yeah ha ha *opens door in freezer section* well this is me lol see ya
What is a ‘sexual prime’ and can I get it on Amazon?
[1994]
*rewinds tape with a pencil*[2016]
*gets angry when I accidentally close the music app*
This girl just said, “You know that feeling you get when you really really like someone?” and I was all like, “Nope.” and walked away.
The date was going really well until he told me to stop calling it Pasghetti.
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
HER: Why is your safe full of pasta?
ME: A penne saved is a penne earned.
when I put “???” In a conversation, this is exactly my face behind the phone lol
Me: Sorry I don’t talk much.
Date: It’s okay. I don’t listen much.
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen