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@shutupmikeginn: air hand dryers are afraid of people and when you put your hands near them, well, thats them screaming.
@freypalm: Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER. Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
@FrankConniff: I'm an Obama supporter but there's no escaping the harsh truth that Batman v Superman happened on his watch.
@AndyAsAdjective: *gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder* "Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it's done toasting?"