Dress for the job you want, not the job you have. Better yet, dress for jobs that don’t even exist. Werewolf psychiatrist. Clown assassin.
You Might Also Like
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
Doctors would be pretty cool superheroes except for the fact their weakness is apples.
[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]
Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.
5 year old: *cries*
You know, you don’t realise what you’ve got until you don’t have it. I just ran out of toilet paper …
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
Don’t get it. Heard the phrase “keep your friends clothes & keep your enemies clothes, sir”. Now I have a bunch of naked people angry at me.
My aunt called & asked “is your house near the fires?”
My cousins called & asked “are the fires threatening your house?”
My dad called & asked “what’s my damn iTunes password again?”
I like to impress a first date by pulling never ending toilet paper out of my bra like a magician.
What’s a second date like?
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
For six years I have been occasionally going to a friend’s house to play Scrabble. Each time I’ve taken along an extra “E” tile and added it to his set. He is now playing with nine extra Es. He hasn’t actually noticed but complains about have too many Es every time.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
coworker: i had honey on my toast this morning
me, likes to one-up: i ate a bowl of bees for breakfast
This documentary on tree frogs is absolutely ribbiting.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[noir voice-over] I wasn’t a real man. Just three kids stacked on top of each other in a trenchcoat. She knew it, too. She also knew I was the only one who could solve her husband’s murder
Pulling the sword from the stone and getting immediately embarrassed, freaking out, trying to jam it back in but it’s like a USB flipped over. Texting the girls “help”
plums roundup
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
Leaving kids home alone now: Keep your phone on at all times, text me every 15 minutes, don’t answer the door or look out the window, only eat soft foods that require minimal chewing…
Leaving kids home alone in the 80s: Don’t use the stove.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.
Apple Watches your money go into their pocket.
My career goal is to immortalize every travel nightmare on the silver screen
– Tom Hanks, probably
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
You can lead a horse to water but it’s pretty crowded there because of all the men you taught to fish in that other proverb.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
“Daddy, what’s for breakfast?”
“Its 5am. Anything you can reach”
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
*brings nachos to your exorcism*