Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
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A fun thing about having a sandbox outside your house is that you have one inside too.
Me: Do that thing that I like
Cop: I’m not frisking you again
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
This looks like Wile E. Coyote trying to catch a hypochondriac Roadrunner:
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
Nutritionist: Do you eat salad?
Me: Yes, I love potato salad.
Nutritionist: no
*quietly opens cheese wrapper*
*dogs come running from upstairs*
Me: How the hell did you hear that?
[10 minutes later]
*gf quietly opens bag of chips*
Me: (from upstairs) ARE THOSE MY CHIPS?
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
I have discovered there is no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess that means it’s not worth trying hash browns.
When your spouse comes to you excited about a toilet seat, it’s best to remind yourself this person will most likely decide when to pull your life support plug someday so you get excited with them about that toilet seat.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
Driving with my son in the car, I’m singing at the top of my lungs.
He looks over at the lady next to us at the stoplight, rolls down his window & yells, “WILL YOU BE MY MOM?”
I’m a little offended but fingers crossed!
That toddler on a leash at the mall might be an unstoppable killing machine. You really don’t know.
[Signing waiver for the show Cops]
No no, you don’t have to blur my face but how about a sweet mustache?
People think doing meth makes you lose weight but actually it’s the climbing buildings and ripping out the plumbing
SON: What will happen when I die?
DAD: Well son, you know how all dogs go to heaven?
SON: YA-
DAD: You’re not a dog.
[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Sorry I told you we should definitely hang out sometime and then didn’t answer my phone for 5 years
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
ALLOW CURSE WORDS IN THE SPELLING BEE ALREADY, GIVE THE LITTLE NERDS A THRILL
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
this is not a scam
DM me if you wanna turn your $500 into my $500.
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!