Dress sloppy at work and people will think you don’t know what you’re doing. Dress too nice and people will think you know what you’re doing. So you see my dilemma.
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Some people are like water balloons, they’re more fun when you throw them out the window.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”
Killer: *over the phone* I’m watching you
Me: ooh, what am I wearing
Killer:
Me: sorry, what are *you* wearing I’m bad at this
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I love how my husband cuts all the bearded dragon’s food up into itty bitty pieces, like that’s how he finds it in the wild.
Alarms are for people without children or puppies
The lady at the passport office just said to the man in line: The Walgreens down the street takes great pictures.
I said: I, too, am incredibly photogenic.
911 what’s the emergency
“Please help, I made too much spaghetti”
Relax sir, we’ve all been th—*spaghetti starts coming out of the phone*
My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Me (being murdered): hey I need to switch the laundry
Murderer (stops stabbing): oh dang you don’t want that stuff sitting in the washer
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
No, you’re not fat, you’re just easy to see.
A month ago I gave my number to this beautiful girl. She said “I will text you when I get home”. I think she’s homeless.
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
If a bear wears shoes and socks he still has bear feet.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.