*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
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Yoga? No thank you. I’ll download an app to my phone so I don’t have to stretch for the remote.
Haters gonna hate…
Masters gonna bate.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
Job interviewer: “It says on your résumé that you went to Cambridge University.”
Me: “Yeah, I was visiting my sister.”
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
A little baby Yoda in my life
A little baby Yoda by my side
A little baby Yoda is all I need
A little baby Yoda is what I seeMandalorian Number Five
A duv-egg? In this economy?
HER: i love bad boys
ME: [trying to impress] my mom thinks i’m in bed
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
[job int]
“Under skills u put ‘not being afraid of pigeons’.”
[nervously shifts in chair]
“That’s right. Why? Do any pigeons work here?”
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
Me: The whole “terrible two’s” thing is a myth.
Friend: That’s good to know.
Me: It’s actually much worse than that.
[animal meeting at the zoo]
Lion: you’re late. We said meet at sunset
Giraffe: I can still see the sun you fucken midget
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
It’s that pottery scene from Ghost except it’s me standing behind the Subway sandwich artist helping him make my sandwich.
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA NOOOOOOOOO JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJJAJAJ AIREEEEEE JAJAJAJAJAJAJAJAJA
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
[as i lay on the couch doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day]
me: *looks at my cat doing nothing but eating and sleeping all day* oh to be a cat. eating and sleeping all day
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.