Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
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Fun fact: At the end of Titanic, when all the people are dying in the water, if you listen very closely, you can hear a faint, “Marco” and then an even fainter, “Polo.”
[before sex]
HER: did you bring protection?
ME: heck ya I did *slowly reaches into back pocket and pulls out nunchucks*
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’
Just saw a woman in Starbucks who was 10% scarf and like 90% boot.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
the ocean is technically soup bc it has salt veggies meat and it’s been heating up
What was more important than the invention of the first telephone?
The invention of the 2nd telephone
me: i refuse to put the word “dad” in my handle and make all my tweets about parenting. i love my son but i am still my own person and need to maintain my own identity.
them: weird way to start a custody hearing and what is a “handle?”
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
when i die please avenge my death regardless of the circumstances
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
I hear you’ve been spreading rumors all over Twitter that I’m schizophrenic.
Well three can play at that game.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
“Inflation isn’t new. Just imagine jacking up the price on items because you can and their location is convenient.”
*vending machines have entered the chat*
major respect for dracula, dude been coughing into his sleeve for decades already
Dammit my husband found my candy stash in the bag of riced cauliflower in the freezer. He’s good.
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
*playing with a ouija board at a cocktail party*
Me: Is anyone here with us?
T E L L T H E S E P E O P L E T O
U S E A C O A S T E RM: Oh my god! Mom!
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*