Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
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I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
Do people who say that they’re just thinking out loud realize that there’s a verb for that already and it’s called ‘speaking’?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I have never understood why people need to shovel snow. Why don’t they just live someplace warm where it doesn’t snow?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
[1st bull ever in a china shop]:
I’m sorry for the mess. I hope you can just forget this ever happened.[Shop owner, who is an elephant]: Riiight…
If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
There is no panic like the panic you feel when you think you may have clogged the toilet at someone else’s house.
*new parents*
Him: I’ve been sleeping with someone else.
Her: YOU’VE BEEN SLEEPING!!
“This is precisely the time when artists go to work. There is no time for despair, no place for self-pity, no need for silence, no room for fear. We speak, we write, we do language. That is how civilizations heal” – Toni Morrison
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
ME: Okay, what exactly do you think bulls look like?
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE CONSTELLATIONS: 1 straight line and 2 bendy ones. That’s bulls.
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
just a reminder that no matter what you’re going through, someone has it worse than you ❤️
*my skills with compliments
5yo: You are a beautiful princess!
Me: And you are a… child.
2008: i guess i’d prefer a candidate with a few more years of governing experience
2028: i voted for president bruno mars by scanning a bottle of mountain dew with my iphone
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
ME: rock, paper, scissors
PROCTOLOGIST: *snaps on glove* and you’re sure that’s all
If I had a time machine I’d destroy the invention of autotune and say “good luck being famous now you talentless brats!”
-Your house is amazing. Why are u renting this cheap?
-It’s haunted by a low level demon
Demon: Wow I’m right here that is like so hurtful