Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
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Dear autocorrect,
I’ve never had a “hard duck” in my life.
Quit your shit.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Banker: So you need this small business loan to open a Cat Massage Parlor?
Me: Yes!
Banker: I’m confused. Will the cats be GETTING massages or GIVING massages?
Me: Yes!
[interview]
BOSS: So I see you majored in communication?
ME: No…miscommunication
BOSS: Your resume clearly says communication
ME: See?
Shout out to people who text you and apparently throw their phone into a river as soon as they hit send?
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
A Hallmark Movie where the woman discovers the true meaning of love while eating chicken wings alone in a booth at Buffalo Wild Wings
‘So Timmy, how did you fall into that well?’
‘Oh. I never fell in, I was p-
*sees Lassie do cut throat motion*
-was jumping in.’
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
i can’t wait to hit my 80s & run for Congress
A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
I’m too old to still be “getting too old for this.” I’ve arrived.
If God didn’t intend for us to eat animals, he was probably really freaked out when we started
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
thank god
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Me: Can I get you a drink? Her: I have a boyfriend. Me: Lady, I’m the bartender.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed