Drinking alcohol can lead to many things, like uneating your food.
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*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Never snuggle your cat right after applying facial moisturizer. I know that now.
Very sad to hear about Nigel Farage. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just sad to hear about him.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
Welcome to your 40s, you now think every car has its brights on
When I was a kid I was so afraid of being kidnapped until my mom assured me there was no way in Hell anyone would ever want to take me.
milk crate challenge: get a WHOLE bunch of crates, absolutely FILL them with my shit, and HELP me move this weekend
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
“Can I be honest with you?”
Me- no, thank you
My son turned 8 yesterday. I’m killin’ it at this parenting thing.
I’m such a sucker for floral print tops and dresses. Am I a middle-aged woman or a tea cup? No one knows.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
In what is potentially a gross misunderstanding of Christmas in general, my 2.5yo has hidden her wallet ahead of Santa’s arrival.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I switched from the cutting wheel to pizza scissors and it’s like I spent the first half of my life trying to shave with a banana.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
Friend: Do you know karate?
Me: [wanting to sound cool but not overly cocky] I’ve heard of him.
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
[at daycare]
Me: I’m here to pick up my son
Daycare: what’s he look like?
Me: *points to my face*
D: oh. Ok
pictures of spider-man
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
My wife bought me a nice jacket at a second hand store but it has the name Bubba embroidered on it, I guess I’m Bubba now.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
[couples board game night]
“relax brent, it’s only monop-”
*fake smile* why don’t you tell everyone how you brush your teeth with hot water”
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
If you see someone looking too confident at the grocery store, ask them where the velveeta is.
You know what I really like about you, girl? You’re really down to earth. *waits for response, nothing. Goes to next tombstone* You know wha
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.