Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
satan: welcome
me: this isnt so ba-
satan: put these on
me: are…are those jeans that didnt totally dry in the dryer
satan: enjoy
me: noooo
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
CAR SALESMAN: How can I help you?
ME: I’m looking to immediately lose money on a terrible investment.
CAR SALESMAN: That’s my specialty.
Do you ever delete tweets because you’re afraid someone will think that tweet is about them? Or if they are from Canada, aboot them?
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
[someone likes me as a friend]
Heart: hey you should fall in love with them
Me: what? no
Heart: *80s power ballad starts playing*
Sunflower seeds: For when you want to have a snack while pretending you’re a cockatiel.
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
The part in Temple Of Doom where she reaches in the hole full of bugs, but me reaching into a pot of cold water in the sink to grab a fork.
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
“IF THE EASTER BUNNY HAD TIME TO HIDE ALL THESE EGGS AROUND THE HOUSE, IT SURE AS HELL HAD TIME TO DO A COUPLE OF LOADS OF LAUNDRY”
My fortune cookie message read :
“You appeal to a small, select group
of confused people” ….Uh huh ….
[God Creating]
Lucifer: Make them wake up paralyzed sometimes
G: That sounds horrible
L: People will love it
G: Hm, I trusted you on spiders
I Spit On Your Gravy #MakeAHorrorFilmLessScary
What do the films Titanic & the 6th sense have in common?
Icy dead people…
I’m being attacked 😭
You think you have it rough, try driving with two Pringles cans on your hands
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Just remembered when my high school changed the dress code to forbid “non-human-colored hair,” and this girl showed up with neon-pink braids the next day, and when they tried to send her home her mom said “I’m her colorist and I am in fact human.”
My husband and I were at a restaurant and the couple next to us kept feeding each other and let me tell you we would NEVER do that unless it was poison
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot