@TheRealAnchovy: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain't quite right.
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@eat_pray_liv: Outkast: Ok now ladies! Me: Yeah??! OK: I wanna see y'all on your baddest behavior! Me: *slowly incurs $18.37 in overdue library fees*
@causticbob: I said to my wife, 'Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.'' 'Bob, that's a cat.'
@Blondrbomber: When I see crying children and miserable parents- I run to the bathroom, crush up my birth control, and snort it.