@TheRealAnchovy: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain't quite right.
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@BrettDruck: I may seem confident on the outside but deep down on the inside I remember every time I've accidentally leaned on a light switch.
@TheMichaelRock: CW: It's gonna get cold! Me: You're gonna die. CW: Excuse me? Me: Sorry, I thought we were pointing out the obvious.
@welltbh: why are clothes so expensive???? i should not have to pay this much to not be naked. people should pay ME to not be naked
@iwearaonesie: [dad accidentally steps on the dog] I'm sorry girl, I didn't see you. Are you ok? [dad accidentally steps on me] Why are you on the floor?!