me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
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I asked my son if he wanted his sandwich on toast for lunch, and he said, “I’ll make it myself because you and the toaster aren’t friends.”
Holy shit a street psychic just stopped me & said I’m a special person who cares deeply about some things & I’m freaking ’cause that’s SO me
This took me a second..
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
[proudly displaying macaroni art on my refrigerator]
“No, I don’t have any children. Why do you ask?”
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.
peak technology
We talk a big game for a species that has a favourite cup
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
First day of packing for a move: *dresses each Barbie before putting them in a box*
Second day of packing for a move: *dumps entire contents of desk drawer into Target bag and ties it up with USB cord*
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Mashed potatoes with the skin still on them was invented by a person who was peeling potatoes and eventually said screw it.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
Murderer: Which of the three of you to kill – it’s quite the dilemma
Me: Technically that’s a trilemma
Murderer: OK now it’s easy
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
Careful guys it’s raining cats and dogs outside and the ones that aren’t dying on impact are super pissed
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.