@TheRealAnchovy: Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin, it tastes the same but you know it ain't quite right.
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@3sunzzz: [trust fall exercise at work] CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN'T CATCH ME! M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
@RandomManik: I stole a seat from an old man and he remarked, "Chivalry is Dead". I said, "I'm sorry, I didn't know. He wasn't even trending on Twitter".
@Elizasoul80: I don't want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.