Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
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Him: My friend got me a Fitbit
Me: Oh yeah, heard of them, haven’t got one though
Him: You can buy them online
Me *whispering* you can buy friends online?!
“So Dave died”
Dave from work or Dave who never follows through on things
“Both. it was a suicide pact”
*dave walks in* hey guys
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
If your 8 year old steps on the back of my shoe one more time, I’m going to tell him that Santa isn’t real.
imagine a store where you can steal anything for free. if you steal it, it’s yours. to make it exciting, if you get caught, they arrest you
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Born to Do Math
#GeekySongsAndShows
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Wife: ” What’d you do today?”
Me: “Tell me what you think I did.”
It’s a comfort knowing Dad is looking down on me, but we should probably cut his hang-glider out of that tree one of these days.
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
House arrest? Some people are so freaking lucky!
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
At a kids’ birthday party. With my kid.
He abandoned me and I don’t know how to talk to the parents
Merry Christmas to everyone except the guy who wrote the instructions on how to put this trampoline together.
Worst perfume name ever.
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
Yesterday I taught my boss to play Angry Birds. Today, she “couldn’t make it in to work.” This is called managing upwards, people.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
M: I carry my Restraining Fluid at all times. It keeps me from killing stupid people.
Ursula, that’s a 5th of vodka.
M: Yes, yes it is.
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
My wife is an economist and I am an engineer. I was watching my wife make her breakfast one morning, and noticed that she made way too many trips to get each of the items she needed. So I said in my best engineer voice, “Hey sweetheart, why don’t you utilize the load…