I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
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STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
“It’s very expensive.” – Chipotle employee
“Look, I got money to spend in here.” – Julia Roberts
Pretty Woman 2: Guacamole Costs Extra
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Whatever happened to that little girl from The Ring, did she grow up to be Kristen Stewart?
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I just heard a lady sitting at the table next to me say, “My burger is confusing.”
That’s it. I’m done with people.
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
All I’m saying is never trust a towel that’s not hanging in it’s normal place when you get out of the shower…
Unwritten rule: if you find an unconscious security guard you have to drag him to a supply closet and change into his uniform.
I hate to rub it in, but lotion doesn’t really work otherwise.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
I sure do wish I had “Queen” energy rather than “starving raccoon rummaging through a trash can” energy but here we are
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it