Dad: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: I want a gf thats not crazy.
Dad: You should ask for something more realistic. Like a dragon.
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I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Dad’s in for a hip replacement tomorrow. I’ve told mum to chat up the old dudes in the coffee room whose wives are in for similar just incase and she didn’t see the funny side and now I’m out of the will.
what does awkward people do, when they run out of bad jokes? get som new ones
[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
coworker: how was your weekend?
me: sucked, I had to move
coworker: you sold your house?
me: no, my wife made me get off the couch
Me: We are a team.
Husband: Yes.
Me: We are in this together.
Husband: OK.
Me: It’s you and me.
Husband: Sure. But are we watching this whole show together, or am I going to find you’re 2 seasons ahead of me by next week?
Me: Us against the… Yes, that’s going to happen.
I left some new office rules in the break room of an office I don’t work at…
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
I never feel more productive than when I’m watching cleaning videos.
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
nicole kidman please name your next child Teendude
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
I hate everything
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
The whole “bad boy” thing is fun until you have kids with him. Ooh you drank away the diaper money? That’s soooo hot
“Is Phil coming tonight?”
“Phil Smith or Phil that has the eyesight of a bird?”
*suddenly a man runs face first into the sliding glass door*
I should wash my van
We could use the rain
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Friend 1: Can you babysit on sa..
Me: Sorry I’m busyFriend 2: Can you feed my cat while I’m on vac..
*knock knock*
Me: IT’S ME I’M OUTSIDE
We made fun of recipe bloggers for including stories but now online recipes are actual hell. It used to be a cute story about a trip to Italy but now you have to search through “17 techniques for chopping garlic” and “8 tools you could use for garlic chopping (Amazon links included)” and 12 ads to MAYBE find the recipe.
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!