@ScottLinnen: Drinking this No More Tears shampoo is just making me sadder.
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@thepunningman: [hamster construction site] "Colin, you seen Dave?" I left him manning the concrete mixer "Oh no" [cut to Dave having the time of his life]
@Cage_unlocked: 5 steps to a happy marriage: 1. Doritos 2. Oreos 3. Pez 4. Mr. Noodles 5. Oops this is my grocery list. 6. Still applicable.
@baconacid: "weed is a gateway drug" "to what? the fridge? Hahaha" *loses car, house, wife, and job because of fridge addiction*
@possibilyss: In hindsight, i shouldn't have said 'surprise me' when the judge was about to sentence me