Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
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Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
In gangster movies they “know a guy” for every dirty job, yet I can’t find a single rando to fill in for Tuesday softball
9: (watching YouTuber play old school Mario)
Me: That’s the game I used to play when I was a kid.
9: You were alive back then?
“The following program is intended for mature audiences only”
Me: *leaves room
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
*Slams suitcase shut*
Me: Case closed.
Judge: Stop doing that.
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I have a PhD
Pretty
Huge
Drinkingproblem
HEAR YE, MORTALS. AWAKEN FROM THY SLUMBER. FUCKERY DOTH PLAGUE THE LAND. TIS MINE DUTY TO- *falls off barstool*
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
Now I find out my ground hands are actually called feet wtf is going on today
Always answer a math question in a silly voice because if you’re wrong they’ll think you’re joking and if you’re right they’ll feel dumb.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
weird to have so little faith in humanity nowadays that a guy could be hurling Molotov cocktails at me from his car and I’d be ok with it if he’s using his turn signals
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
why do people romanticize the 1950s? like calm down, we still have milkshakes and racism
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
Interviewer: Under “work history” it just says “content creator.” Care to elaborate on that?
Victor Frankenstein: No.
The proper way to make a Caesar salad is to repeatedly stab it with dozens of other people in a Senate building.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
I told the 8 year old that Taylor Swift is apparently dating a football player and she goes “oh man, she’s gonna write a breakup song about how he was just playing games”
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
Lmao my first taste of adulthood was learning you had to actually pay for Microsoft office. I had be using it for free my whole life as a student. It didn’t even occur to me it cost money to have it at home
God: welcome to heaven!
Me: but i didn’t believe in you.
God: yeah i get that a lot.
Me: so… we’re all good then?
God: lmao no I just wanted to do this *reaches for lever*