*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
Fiction has to make sense.
me: hello 911
911: look, we’ve already asked your neighbor to return your leaf blower ok
*me in a horror movie*
me: a knife? HA
killer: [pauses confused]
me: this year I’ve survived isolation, social upheaval, reduced wages, and a plague, and you’re gonna kill me with that dumb knife?! hahahaHAHAHAHAHA
k: [shoulders slump with embarrassment]
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
*walks into a nuclear power plant
Do you serve fission chips?
I’ll see myself out..
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
ME: I’ve expressed this political opinion so clearly, there’s no way anyone could misinterpret it.
THE INTERNET: lmao challenge accepted
My kids are very optimistic. Every glass they leave sitting around the house is at least half full.
Cop: seen anything unusual?
Me: a dolphin with a hat once
Cop: I mean around here
Me: nah they live in water
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
[8 eating some chips]
8: Can I eat the whole bag?
Me: No, just the chips that are inside
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Just landed my first triple axel tripping over the cat
[being murdered]
me: this is free, right?
I love getting cute morning texts like “your order has shipped”.
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”
– Old Southern Proverb
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
*pushes you to the couch and latches on*
I’m a koala, and you’re my eucalyptus tree.
*pretends to eat your hair*
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work