*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
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Therapist: ‘Sarcasm will get you nowhere.’
Me: ‘Actually, it got me to the National Sarcasm Championship game in Las Vegas back in 98.’
Therapist: ‘Really?’
Me: ‘No.’
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
saw some family i haven’t seen in 30 yrs & now i’m good for another 30 yrs
Did you know that if you squint at a cat and it squints back, it’s the cat’s way of saying “What the f are you looking at?!”
Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep…….
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Dear student,
When you use a camera to digitise a coursework for submission, please make sure you crop out any bits you don’t usually show off in public. Alternatively, please wear pants when taking the photos.
Yours,
A disturbed lecturer
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
And for my next trick I’ll be pulling the rug from under your feet
~Life
4-yr-old saw picture of me pregnant.
I explain that she was inside me. She thought for a bit then said:
“I never want to do that again.”
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
guys please don’t talk about the healthcare vote I’ve got it tivoed
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead