‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
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[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
my boss: how are you late to work again
me: [running out of excuses] have you ever seen the film flushed away
I’m pretty sure all of the 7 dwarfs were named after a stage of Snow Whites’ heroin addiction.
“You’re not so tough now, are you, Batman?”
~ Drunk guy who punched a nun.
Does the smell of burnt hot dogs and sour bologna turn you on? If so, I work with a guy that I’d like you to meet.
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
[first day as a detective]
me: you say the suspect—she’s got legs?
zz top: yes sir
me: and she knows how to use them?
zz top: that’s right
me: *into walkie talkie* bring chun-li in for questioning
The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.
difference between a pillow fort & a high death jump into the coffee table is a parent who isn’t looking
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
Honest job application:
On the whole I’ll do a perfectly adequate job. I’m quiet but not in an odd way. I won’t cause any fuss. Good at hoping people are well in emails (won’t use too many exclamation marks). Generally a good egg.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
I hate it when I wear my favourite red cape and don’t get eaten by a wolf.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
try to describe the hole in the ozone layer without sounding absolutely insane
its a hole in the sky that changes not air to air because we used too much hairspray back in the 80s and now we get skin cancer