Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
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Dating is just deciding if you like a person more than being lonely, then choosing wrong.
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I’m sick of my girlfriend’s husband starting shit
A creepy guy in a blue van saw me hit a car in the parking lot.
So I was obligated to leave a note… “ᴀ ᴄʀᴇᴇᴘʏ ɢᴜʏ ɪɴ ᴀ ʙʟᴜᴇ ᴠᴀɴ ʜɪᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴄᴀʀ”
I log in and out of Facebook at the same speed a frightened kid runs down into the basement to grab something and runs back up.
waiter: would you like a table?
me: yes, the multiplication please
My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
While a leaf blower is a close second, my preferred cleaner is a flamethrower.
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
[Divorce court]
Judge: The reason you’re divorcing is “he’s annoying?”
Wife: He pronounces “yikes” like “Nike”
J: Baliff, throw him in jail
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
Batman: Introducing, the Robinmobile.
Robin: I’m so excited!
*curtain opens*
Robin: Bruce, that’s a car bed…
Batman: You’re welcome.
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
Neighbor found religion and I found spirits.
But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
There’s something twisted about being woken up at 5 am by a child who wants to congratulate you for “being a good sleeper”
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
I snuck popcorn into the movie theatre but they won’t let me use their microwave.
Me: *looks away for 5 seconds*
Toddler: *crashes the stock market*
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
I wanna show you the world but your mom wants you back at 10 😭
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?