just saw the gorilla thing. what kind of thoughtless, negligent parent would raise their child in ohio
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How many colors and shades is it okay to just call white?
Men: 58
Women: 1
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
Coworker – Have you ever gotten Covid?
Me – Does my gut look like I’ve ever lost the sense of taste or smell?
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
If you go to the zoo & slap your chest at the gorilla, he sees it as aggressive behavior and WILL challenge you to a Mario Kart race.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Tim Cook bravely announces he’s gay.
The world pats his hand like a kindly grandmother.
“We know, dear.”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
This is ridiculous: “www” contains THREE TIMES more syllables than the phrase it is ‘short’ for, “world wide web.”
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Me: if 1001 is “one thousand one” then 1000 should be “one thous”
Photo of Albert Einstein: you make a very good point but i don’t know what we can do about it
The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
[first day as a lion tamer]
me: don’t worry i totally researched this…
ring master: um ok
me: *pulls out a pig and a meerkat* NOW SING
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.