*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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i love treating twitter as my diary. this is my zoo enclosure and my followers are the tourists watching me eat hay
Me: did you leave out the cookies for Santa?
My Kid: yes.
Me: and the milk?
My Kid: yup!
Me: and the waiver for Santa to sign holding us harmless in the event of food poisoning?
My Kid: (sigh) yes.
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
[being eaten by a shark]
me: babe you’re using too much teeth
“Is this true love or just a kidnapping?” I yell from the trunk
I now have so many pet peeves that I’ve had to hire someone to walk them during the day.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
Me, eating catfish: This looks nothing like it did on the menu.
Things I never thought I would say: “well if you unpacked your stuff you’d know where your elf ears were”.
Parenting is fun lol
boss: where have you been for the past seven days
me: in bed
boss: but i said sleep was for the weak
*hip thrusts my way to the buffet table*
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
You’re going to have to be just a tiny bit more specific for me, bud
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
Before kids:
[Watching nature documentary]How do some animals just abandon their young like that??
After kids:
[Watching nature documentary][Takes notes]
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
Her: ooh your whole wall is a mirror, I bet you do all sorts of naughty things *giggling*
Me: [thinking about practicing sweet karate moves against my evil doppelgänger] haha you know it babe
I am leaving Twitter. I can’t take all the political banter and the mean and nasty things people say on here anymore. I will be back in an hour.
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
cop: this flat earther was ran over by a steamroller
detective: i guess you could say it’s [puts on sunglasses] really bright outside today
Just watched a video in which a young lady referred to some shoes from the 90s as “vintage” so you can go ahead and shovel the dirt over me now
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Having to write cover letters is so dumb. Do u really believe my dream ever since I was a little girl was to optimize SEO for a mid level online publication? No. It was to ride a pony on a space rainbow. Grow up.