*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
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teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
I know I’m getting old when I see a beautiful 19 year old girl and I wonder what her mother looks like.
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
I like to compliment strangers on their T-shirt just to make them look down to see which one they’re wearing.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂
Saw Billy Joel trending and thought they finally found evidence of arson
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
me (googling): sexy green m&m
fbi agent monitoring me: oh god not this again
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
[me as a DJ]
Where my single ladies at?
*drunk responses*
This one’s for you
*turns off music, serious tone*
This is a bad place to meet men
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Kids are like bears. If you play dead eventually they’ll leave you alone.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
The 80’s called and they want you to stop saying they called.
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[first day as 911 operator]
ME: 911 what’s your- your- *looks over to boss*
BOSS: emergency
ME: hey, gotta go we have an emergency here
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Americans will literally use anything BUT the metric system.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.
“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.
[jail]
INMATE: so what are ya in for?
BIG BAD WOLF: well I huffed and I puffed and then I got nabbed for possession
INMATE: goddam pigs
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.