“Oh, we’re going for a 30 second car ride? OK, let me gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked.”
– my 2 year old
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Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *straightening his bowtie* a truffle
bet marie kondo is wishing she had more shit in her house right about now.
Shake up a random soda pop in the company fridge today. You deserve it.
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
[looking up at bird sitting in a tree whilst on 1st date]
“I didn’t know birds could climb trees”
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
The opposite of Iceland is water water
[first date at restaurant]
Me: *ending call* My mom says no dessert.
The number of decades in your age directly correlates to the days of recovery you need after a night out
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
My friend called me from a private number last night so I just returned the favor by knocking on his door with a ski mask on.
him: how have you been improving yourself with all this free time during quarantine? i’ve been exercising more and eating better
me: [has forgotten the definition of 83 common words, what traffic light colors mean what, my phone number] simplifying
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
My dad always used to say ‘if you take care of the small things, the big things take care of themselves’. This cost him his job at the zoo.
Never underestimate the power of a group of idiots.
As a kid: the floor is lava
As a parent: the floor is Lego™️
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Cop: Ma’am, I pulled you over today because you were going 45 in a 35 mile zone.
Me: I’ve been driving 45 on this road for ten years and I’ve never gotten a ticket.
(Silence) You’re going to give me a ticket, aren’t you?
Cop: I kinda think I have to now.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon