me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for
You Might Also Like
Just said, “Because I said so!,” and my mom called demanding her royalty check.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
me: I’m on a new sugar free diet and I’m getting withdrawals pains
friend: how long has it been
me (looking at watch): 4 hours
Store Clerk: Happy holidays
Me (angrily): Merry…CHRISTMAS
Clerk (even angrier): SEASON’S GREETINGS
[we just start choking each other]
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
Me when I get ten emails in a minute at work
Is it crazy how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how crazy it is?
Fear not, ugly caterpillar. For one day you will become a beautiful butterfly
[emerges from cocoon]
AH WTF I’M A MOTH THIS IS BULLSHIT
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Got ya covered
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
I’m sorry, this suitcase is overweight. You’re gonna have to take some stuff out and put it in a different bag so the plane doesn’t crash.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
25 Relationship Red Flags You Shouldn’t Ignore:
1. Inexplicably, his house is full of flags.
2. This is serious, why so many?
3. You need to get that first one sorted
out before we move on.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
stop being so defensive i am just trying to hit you with weapons