“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
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Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
For someone who doesn’t have any friends, I seem to ask a lot of questions for them.
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
Kobe was a legend on the court and just getting started in what would have been just as meaningful a second act. To lose Gianna is even more heartbreaking to us as parents. Michelle and I send love and prayers to Vanessa and the entire Bryant family on an unthinkable day.
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
I honestly don’t have time for subtweets.
Especially from you-know-who.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
*hides recorder in box*
*puts box in safe*
*locks safe*
*digs 50-foot hole*
*throws safe in*
*covers hole*
[5 minutes later]
9yo: *playing recorder*
I received my 5yo’s report card today. His teachers are impressed with his leadership skills and want him to be the class tidy up captain because he’s so helpful! I’m really proud but also wondering if they’re talking about the right kid.
SON: Daddy, what’s the river that flows through New York
ME: It’s The Hudson
HIM: The Hud. Ok. Thank you.
WIFE: Oh ffs
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
without fail i always get felt up by the tsa which is fine because air travel is expensive and i want my money’s worth
Doctor: Are you getting enough exercise?
Me: Define “you”
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I was taking my diazepam before my flight and the Swiss guy in the seat next to me saw and guessed I was nervous, so he asked me if I liked cats and then showed me a photo of a cat dressed as a pilot and said “I heard he’s flying our plane, I think we can trust him” 😭
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Google, Microsoft and Disney are
among suitors for TwitterWill it be
Twoogle ?
Twindows ?
The Wonderful World of Tweets ?Be prepared