@Gooooats: Drive by shootings are just one more example of Americans being too lazy to get out of their cars.
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@SteussieErica: Husband: We should go to Costco. Me [still in pajamas]: So I should change? H: I said Costco, not Walmart. Me:*puts on nicer pajamas*
@PetrickSara: I bought jalapeño chips so I wouldn't have to share with my kids. It's not working. My daughter is just eating through the pain. She's mine
@HeatherLuvsYou: A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
@withanewname: [trick or treating] "Oh, what a cute little…what's she doing?" Me: potty training. "In my pumpkin?!" Me: She likes the heated seat.