Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
Plot twist: The Rock isn’t Kid Rock’s real dad.
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?
[cops knock on my door]
“Sir?”
“Nobody’s home.”
“Who said that then?”
“My dog.”
“Jesus Christ, well do u know when Mr Hughes will be back?”
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
vampires are dumb, moonlight is reflected sunlight.
If you eat guns, you’ll sweat bullets.
It’s science.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Me: I generally dislike myself as a person but I also assume everyone I know has a crush on me
Interviewer: a job-related weakness…
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
I am on a diet. This is just my cheat decade
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
You cowards just love watching the NFL Draft while you’re all too chickenshit to go off and serve in the football yourselves.
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
I want rich people’s problems like government denying the permission of landing my chopper on my mansion.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
doctor: where does it hurt
me: everywhere
doctor: where specifically
me: well right now, in your office
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
wife: Why are there dishes in the sink?
my son’s last words: Because you didn’t do them
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
It’s only a family vacation if you think “We’re never doing this again” at least once.