@TheCiscoKidder: Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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@JonasPolsky: I was about to commit suicide, but then a Nicki Minaj song came on the radio -- so I committed suicide twice.
@KevinFarzad: If you're an astronaut and you don't end every relationship by saying "look, I just need space" then you're wasting everyone's time.
@iAmJuddy: Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white... Me: Black bread. Chef: We don't have that. Me: Racist.