Drive down the middle of my street and make me squeeze by you, so I know who to murder first when the apocalypse hits.
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My glasses are broken but I’ve got a glasses repair kit except I can’t find it because my glasses are broken
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
Feels like there should be a middle ground
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
“If you gaze long into a bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.” – Philosophical soup kitchen chef
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Jesus: one of you will betray me tonight
*checks phone*
Jesus: WHO IN DAD’S NAME UNFOLLOWED ME?!”
*judas slyly slips phone back in robe*
“Emergency Defibrillator”
As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?
I can forgive the fact that Peter Peter was a pumpkin eater, but I can’t abide by the fact that his first and last name are the same.
A hand grenade to a daycare? RT @McDonalds: #ShamrockShake is to spring as _____ is to _______.
an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
I’m at the point in life where if a girl dresses up in a french maid outfit I’d be more happy if she actually just cleaned my house for me..
Allergies right now are life’s way of playing “PSYCH”.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
Me: I’m exhausted
Fitbit: You have taken 11 steps today
Spider-Man has a special plate onto which he can put down his felafel and hummus sandwich. It’s a pita parker.
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
A couple who are silly together stay together.
10: Mom, I know your secret; you’re a superhero
Me: I am?
10: Yes, I found your handcuffs and a mask.
Me:
Me: Yes, I am. I’m a superhero!😏
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”