Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
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When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
[job interview]
“Under skill it says nicknames?”
“You know it Sex Dragon.”
“Sex Dragon wants to know when you can start?”
[Therapy]
Me: What do you mean “boundary issues?”
Therapist (gently pushing me off his lap): Why don’t you put some clothes on & we’ll talk?
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
My favorite pizza place burned down last night so I guess this is the beginning of my weight loss journey.
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I talk a lot of smack for someone who believes the plane will tip over if you stand up midflight.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
Son told me “Make me a sandwich, woman” and now I have one child instead of two
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
A police man came up to me with a sniffer dog and said, “This dog tells me you’re on drugs.”
“I’m on drugs? You’re the one talking to dogs”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Perfect.
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they ‘forgot to eat’
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
“knock knock”
whos there
“orange”
orange who
“orange u glad im not a banana?”
…. MARTHA THERES A RACIST ORAMGE AT THE DOOR DO I LET HIM IN
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks