[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
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Thanks to the rising food prices I’m now on an 80/20 eating plan.
My food intake is 80% ramen and 20% stolen from my neighbor’s DoorDash order.
ME: *tells joke*
WIFE: ugh, that was funny in middle school
[later]
ME [at a local middle school]: so have you all heard the one about th
Life hack: enter your birthday as being on a different week on each restaurant membership so you get a freebie each weekend.
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Burn microwave popcorn in the lunch room to establish dominance.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
[after a few beer I get the confidence to use the word cataclysmic] the effects of the climate crisis are going to be [beer doing what beer does] catsarechristmas
There’s no “I” in team but there is one in shut your stupid mouth.
“On second thoughts… I’m not hungry!”
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making. It’s true. After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
The rules of the universe clearly state – to find the cup of coffee you were drinking, you must first pour yourself a new cup of coffee.
*making cookies with 3*
Me: Santa will love these!
3:
Me: we need to leave some cookies out for Santa
3:
Me:
3: just one.
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Me: I have a case of the Mondays.
Lawyer: that’s not a thing.
Judge: but it should be I’ll allow.
How do you stop eating chips and salsa do they have to run out or do I die or what
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
I love October. When else do say things like I’ll take a caramel apple & one ticket to be chased through a farmhouse with a butcher knife please.
I napped the entire afternoon away.
I still feel like garbage but at least I’m well-rested garbage.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
“Over my dead body” doesn’t mean “no.” It means I get to do what I want and as a bonus I get to kill you.
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
I don’t mean to brag but I’ve perfected the confused look whenever my credit cards get declined