[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
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my mom only remembers my childhood friends based on the perceived slights they committed against her 15 years ago. I’ll mention a name and she’ll just be like “ah yes, the one with the MUDDY SHOES.”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
Italian mafia fugitive caught after posting cooking show on YouTube
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure
I’ll do anything once, twice if I like it, three times if I’m addicted which why I’m always in and out of rehab. I have a problem.
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
What do you hear?
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
Absolutely travel with kids. It’s important they experience begging to watch their iPad in new environments
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
I started at the bottom and worked my way down.
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
Goats will be chewing while looking at you like they have seen you somewhere.
5-year-old: Guess what? Today in school someone’s EYE broke open.
Me: What???
5-year-old: I’m done telling this story.
Casper is not only the friendliest, but the most emotionally available ghost. His life is an open boo.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Avoid cars that have a sign saying ‘baby on board’. That driver has only had a couple of hours sleep and is likely to be suicidal.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
still the best tweet of the year by far
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.