[drive thru] I just really need to talk about Buffy the Vampire Slayer and you’re the only one awake.
You Might Also Like
Abundance: what a man with a manbun does when he hears music.
did u kno that when a plane lands the first person to stand up gets to drive the plane for the next trip
I’m married, but not “pass up the opportunity to sleep with Thor” married. Or Wolverine. Or Captain America. Or Jennifer Aniston…
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Oh really well you thought four inches was HUGE when we were talking about spiders.
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
My husband is taking me to a scenic bridge today so i guess this is goodbye
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
Chicken bread
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Homophobic parents are right to be worried about their children turning gay after lessons about LGBT awareness. I lived as a Tudor wench for 2 years following a history class.
You can learn a lot when your children start moving out. For example, you may go upstairs and learn that you no longer own a couch.
You Tolkien to me?
Hobbit de Niro.
#JRRTolkienDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
Hell hath no fury like a 5 yo who doesn’t want his brother to stare at him in the car.
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Girl: Hi
Guy: Hey
Girl brain: What did he mean? Is he in love with me? I need to analyze this for hours with my gfs
Guy brain: I’d do her
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators