Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
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Sentences sound better with “motherfucker.”
Before: “You sir, are a vile, despicable person. I am angry.”
After: “Dis motherfucker…”
This woman at Whole Foods is choosing a bundle of asparagus more carefully than I chose my husband.
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
[Wildebeest being lowered Mission Impossible-style from a helicopter to graze the grasses of Buckingham Palace]
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Having kids hasn’t stopped us from doing anything we used to do.
We still do the same stuff, it’s just ruined.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Anything can be a flamethrower if you set it on fire and then throw it
In hell you’re given 1 child and you have all of eternity to get that child to finish their dinner.
[first day in the army]
me: hi I like your slacks
him: stop calling them slacks they’re camo pants
me: ok but I also like your blouse
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: ugh yeah the spacing wouldn’t format properly
Interviewer: OMG I hate that
Listen, frozen meal instructions, never in the history of owning microwaves have I known the wattage of any microwave
Goodnight moon, goodnight stars, goodnight perfectly normal Purple Rain album cover where Prince’s eyes follow u across the room
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
My neighbor gave me $50 to get my squeaking door fixed because he couldn’t stand it anymore… and so begins my life as a sugar baby
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
I’ll be signing books at Barnes & Noble from 6 p.m. to whenever they kick me out for ruining all their books.
Can Twitter come up with relationship statuses like FB?
-Married and spouse knows about account
-Married but acts single
-Single and getting some
-Single and jealous of people getting some
-Registered sex offender
Me: omg that’s the saddest hostage video ever
Them: they were singing happy birthday to me
It should be illegal for your kids to change their favorite color without giving you a 30 day notice
These golfers behind me keep yelling, “Take your shot!” but they haven’t poured me any tequila.
[War Museum]
Cop: Ma’am, you called about some stolen torpedoes?
Me: Actually I said Doritos
Cop: *walks away
Me: THEY WERE COOL RANCH
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
They should make erasers for Crayons called “Crayoffs”.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.