Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
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Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
rom-com idea: Gozilla +1. Godzilla gets invited to a wedding but struggles to convince anyone to go with him
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
9: Have you seen my harmonica?
[flashback to me smashing it with a hammer]
me: Did you look under your bed?
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
*starts new diet*
“Do not drink caffeine”
*ends new diet*
(Musicians.)
i love diet soda i don’t care if it gave rats tumours i’m way bigger and stronger than a rat
In case you were wondering, Taco Bell offers free wi-fi.
Don’t bother asking for the password, because it’s totally “Cornhole Explosion”.
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
[twirling my bra above my head like a helicopter and it gets stuck on the ceiling fan, im launched thru window into neighbors yard]
me: hey
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
hate it when I go “whatever, this is the next persons problem” and the next person is me.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
For Sale:
baby shoes, never worn.
too small.
should have bought adult shoes.
If “surf and turf” didn’t rhyme, no restaurant would have the courage to let you order a steak and a lobster together as if it were one meal.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.